Every Last Drop

Brig's been working so much this summer that we really haven't been on a family vacation, so we decided to head over to Bear Lake last weekend for his sister's annual birthday bash.  It was heaven to sit on the beach while the kids played. 

 

It was my goal to start the weekend off with no more Coke.  Thus the Shasta in the background.  I mean the ultimate goal is no soda whatsoever, but you know...baby steps.  I won't keep you in suspense though.  By Sunday my head was pounding and when I got to my mom's house to visit before the end of our mini-vacation there, in the garage were about fifty cans of Coke sitting like liquid sin ripe for the picking.  I couldn't help myself.  Sigh.  I really don't want to drink it anymore.  It serves no purpose, except to make me feel like I get a reward for making it through the day with two kids at home.  But I digress.

It's too bad you can't see their faces.  Brig and Ava jumped in the lake.  I was proud of Ava.  She did complain it was cold though. 

 Brig knee-boarding.  He had a lot of fun. 

 Ava and her cousins.  She's one lucky girl.  She's certainly had a fun summer.

 Brielle.

 If she looks hot and sweaty it's because she was. 

We also went huckleberry picking up in the mountains.  It was so much fun!  I wish I had remembered my camera.  Well, that's that for Summer.  I know some will hate me for this but I can't wait for Fall weather.  I'm so tired of being hot. 

Love

She sighs and buries her face into my neck and leaves it there.  A feeling too tender to name spreads through my body as I hold her.  I am on fire with it.  I feel whole and well and at peace.  I am twenty-nine.  A one time nearly-divorcee.  I cut my hair to my shoulders and now I often think it makes me look frumpy.  Which I don't need because I already shop in the plus size section.  I spend my days washing dishes...by hand and not for pay, among a myriad other mind numbing-tasks that never end.  I also spend my days nursing my baby, trying to convince my oldest daughter I still love her and love her just as much as her little sister, playing at parks, explaining how you can tell the difference between a boy and a girl cat which leads to a discussion about the physical differences between men and women.  I don't mind those kind of talks.  I don't feel uncomfortable.  In today's world she will need me to be as open and honest with her as possible, otherwise she'll grow up taking in the twisted messages about men and women and sex and love from t.v., the internet, and misinformed older kids at school.  I look forward to my husband coming home from work, which in and of itself speaks volumes about how far we've come in the last couple of years.  I dream about going back to school.  I think about what I want to be when I grow up.  I contemplate becoming a writer, a sociologist, a cultural anthropologist or a marriage counselor.  I go for days without ever putting on a stitch of makeup.  And I don't care.  I take Zoloft.  It helps me, although I hate having to depend on a pill to help me feel normal.  It is not the life I thought I would be living, to be honest.  And you would think that I would feel defeated or depressed because of that.  And truthfully some days I do feel the sting of disappointment, mostly when I am on Facebook too much and start comparing my life to my peers.  How skinny the popular cheerleader from high school still is after having four kids.  The fabulous trip this girl took with her perfect husband.  How much so-and-so loves running/crossfit/zumba.  How proud this woman is of her husband who just graduated from medical school.  How this girl just bought a new home and on, and on, and on.  Before I can begin to internally berate myself for not being good enough I stop myself.  Wait.  Breath.  Hold my baby in my arms as the last light of day fades into blackness.  She sighs and buries her face into my neck and leaves it there.  All my life I've spent trying to be what I thought would earn the love of other people.  A good daughter.  A good friend.  A good student.  A good employee.  A good church member.  A good wife.  A good mother.  I don't know why I believe it or when it started, but somewhere deep inside of me I've always believed love to be conditional.  For this reason I've never been happy.  I've never been satisfied.  Because I always fail in some way to be just what people want.  Unlovable.  Not deserving.  But here I am in the twilight of my little bedroom all of the things that define success in my mind I am not, and yet this tiny being so trusting in my arms loves me.  It strikes me to my core.  She loves me because I am.  Quite suddenly forgiveness flows through me like a stream of water trickling into a long dry river bed.  A small voice accompanies the feeling whispering quietly in my heart, Oh Denise, you have hurt yourself so often.  Told yourself that you are worth nothing and deserving of nothing.  But it has all been lies.  You are you and that is enough.  It is a far older, wiser and more loving voice than I've ever spoken to myself with.  I lay my baby down to sleep and then sit on the edge of my bed letting my mind be quiet for once.  So this is love. 

Secret Lake

We went for a hike this past week.  One of my long standing complaints about living in the city is that you can't get away from all the noise and people.  I stand corrected.  We drove up Little Cottonwood Canyon and it was gorgeous.  At the top of the Canyon past Alta ski resort we found the trailhead to the Cecret Lake Hike, or Secret Lake.  It was a mile up and a mile back.  I thought it would be perfect for us.  Brielle has never been in our backpack and Ava complains if she has to walk more than a block, not to mention I'm extremely out of shape.  Brigham...well I knew it would be a snap for him.

It quickly became apparent just how out of shape I am.  Boy, I really need to cut back on the Coke.  And the licorice.  Ava loved it.  At three points in the trail we had to do stepping stones across streams.  The day was so shiny and bright.  It made me happy to be alive.  Even if I was huffing and puffing. 

Poor Brielle.  She wasn't super happy about her new accommodations.  In fact the proof is on her face.  When she gets upset and cries her skin goes all splotchy.  She's never going to be able to hide when she's upset.  About half way up the trail she resigned herself to her situation. 

The circle of life!  We found Pride Rock at the top of the switchbacks next to Cecret Lake.  

Secret Lake.  Very beautiful.  It was well worth it.

Ava started scampering up rocks like a little chipmunk.  Brig was very proud.  I could tell he was happy she was taking an interest in something that he really loves.  Rock climbing.

It was a great day.  I wish we had spent more time this summer finding hikes to go on.  I guess we still have a few weeks of summer left.  Happy Trails!

West Yellowstone

We spent the last week in West Yellowstone, just me, Ava and Brielle and most of my in-laws.  Brig had to work. (BOO!)  I'm convinced that I went up there last Sunday with my happy-go-lucky baby and brought home a changeling yesterday.  She is either teething, has a massive cold, or ear infection or some other noxious bug invading her system.  I will know tomorrow when I take her into the doctor tomorrow.  We've gotten a total of about five hours of sleep the past two nights.  So if there are spelling errors or TMI it's because I'm out of it. 

Ava's first time in Yellowstone National Park.  I think she was about as impressed as I was, which is to say not at all.  Call me jaded, but any freakishly beautiful landscape can be ruined by bumper to bumper traffic that slams on their brakes for any furry critter willing to sidle up alongside their car.  Not to mention hoards and hoards of people.  The unwashed masses gather here.  I guess I prefer communing with nature minus the Commune.  Brielle hates her car seat.  So you can guess how that went. 

Ava and Brielle after watching the scolding hot gusher spectacle.  You can see Brielle is a girl after my own heart.  Can't watch a show without reaching for a snack. 

Ava's favorite activity up there...going into town.  West Yellowstone is no great shopping mecca, but to the kids it was.  This is Ava with her two cousins. 

Buffalo Gal won't you come out tonight.  Come out tonight.  Come out tonight.  Buffalo Gal won't you come out tonight and dance by the light of the moon.  No?  I guess you didn't grow up with a mom that knows every old folk song, musical tune and obscure ditty in history. 

This cowgirl hat was sooo cute!  I think it was $20.  Not exactly practical with school shopping breathing down our necks.  We had to pass.  Look at that creepy sculpture right next to her.  I hadn't noticed that.  It's toenails are painted pink.  Curiouser and curiouser. 

Floating the river with Ava at the helm.  I had to sit out this three hour tour.  Literally three hours.  I also didn't want to be left behind so I took Brielle and we walked around Mack's Inn area.  Sitting on the dock waiting for my family to come floating by got me to thinking about Heaven.  I know.  Deep thoughts.  I read a book once called Elsewhere by Gabrielle Zevin.  It's young adult fiction which I'm a big fan of.  Anyway the premise of the book is the main character who is something like 15 at the time she dies unexpectedly.  She gets on a big cruise ship and it takes her to Elsewhere.  Which is essentially Heaven.  You then begin aging backwards until you are an infant at which point you are reborn to Earth and floated back down the river ala Moses.  I remember not loving the story, but the basic premise was very interesting.  Tangent, anyway I was sitting there on the dock with Brielle waiting for the raft carrying my family and couldn't help but wonder when we die if it's a bit like this for our loved ones who have passed.  Standing on the banks of the river, waiting anxiously for the familiar shapes of your family to arrive. 

I'll be brief with my sappiness.  Okay, I'm not good at being brief with anything.  Let alone, sappiness.  The truth is I love these people.  And that is not just the Zoloft talking.  It's taken nearly nine years for me to let go of the past and love them for who they are.  They in return have loved and accepted me in spite of my flaws.  And in hind sight have been loving me and accepting me from the beginning.  One big thing for me has been to learn to love people without constantly wanting to bend them and twist them into what I wished they were.  People are flawed, and isn't that wonderful.  If people behaved how I wanted them to all the time there would never be any sort of surprise or variation.  After all I'm perfectly perfect in every way, right?  I'm sure no one has ever wished I were different.

When we got home I noticed Ava was burned from the edge of the back of her swimsuit down the backs of her legs.  I said, "Weren't you sitting in the boat?  How did this happen?"  To which my father-in-law said that every time he looked over at her she was bottoms up leaning over the side of the boat.  It's been a source of pain and misery for her.  Poor thing.  At least she saw five moose on the way down.  The first thing she said about the moose was that she saw it poop in the river as if this were the biggest highlight of the float.  Nature calls I guess.

Ava and Brielle with their cousins in the morning.  She got to play with her boy cousins the first of the week, and then they went home and it was mostly girls the rest of the week.  She had fun.  And Brielle did too until our last night there.  Then she turned into the vomiting, snot shooting demon of my nightmares.  Sunday morning saw me facing the dawn with nearly every bodily fluid coating my sweats and t-shirt from the night before.  And most of it was Brielle's.  ;)  All in all it was a fantastic get away.  Ava announced that she wanted to live at the cabin year round and was sorely disappointed to learn the next time we'd walk through that door would be in a year.  All good things....