I don't really know how to begin this post. I've debated on when and how I'd break the news. I need this blog...and that is to say, all of you more than ever. The good news is I'm not dying, so you can breath easier there.
Last week I boxed up my meager earthly possessions and those of my daughter and I moved up to my parent's house. It wasn't a decision made easily or rashly. I've spent many hours on my knees pouring my heart out to my Father in Heaven. The truth is my marriage hasn't been right for years. It takes two people to make a marriage work and it takes two to make it fail. The first thing most people wonder is what went wrong. There are many things that went wrong, many things I could have controlled and many I couldn't control. Out of respect for my husband I'm not discussing those things here.
What I did want to say is that although I am at peace with my decision I mourn what was lost. You plan out this future with someone. You picture the years rolling out before you like waves on the sea. Then suddenly the ship is knocked off course, you drift for a time and then shipwreck on a beach. And that's how I feel right now. Although I have the love and support of many I feel as if I am the only survivor of a shipwreck. I must decide what to do next, which path to go down, find a way to move forward and live. The future that I had assumed to be mine is no more.
Although the situation is painful for all, my greatest desire is to make it the most tolerable for my daughter. On the car ride home the other day she said that she is sad that we don't live with Daddy anymore. She then asked why? How do you explain to a four year old something that is hard to understand even for yourself? I told her that Mommy and Daddy make each other sad and that I didn't want to make Daddy sad anymore. I told her that although Mom and Dad won't be living with each other anymore that we'll always be her Mom and Dad and that we'll always love her. She then said something that broke my heart. She said, "Even if I make you sad?" I said that even if we make each other sad that she is my baby and we'll always be together no matter what.
My greatest regret, and I have a few, is that I will never be able to give that precious gift to Ava of years of growing up seeing her mother and father love one another. I know in this culture, dominated by idealized visions of families being together forever that many see divorce as sin, a dark mark upon the person that has made such a violent upheaval in their lives. I know, because like so many things, I used to judge in the same manner. A divorce where there is no physical abuse, and no infidelity is often a puzzlement to those who are on the outside looking in. My sister-in-law asked me if I was terrified of starting over at the age of 28 with no college degree and a daughter to take care of. I'll tell you what I told her. I was more afraid of staying in my marriage the way it was and was more terrified of living that way for the rest of my life than I was of leaving.
I hope I can continue on with faith and hope. There are moments and days when I feel so stricken that I want to lay down on my bed and sleep for days or cry for days. But there is always Ava right there with me and she needs me and I need her. I also need who ever reads this blog of mine. I've felt so isolated for so long and this blog has been a lifeline for me. I don't ask for help often, but I'm asking for it now. Please don't give up on me. And if you remember say a little prayer for our family. I honestly can't envision a time when laughter comes easily again or my smiles don't feel forced but there is the hope and that's what I'll hold to.
Love, Denise
