Denise's Domestic Tips for a Happy Life

I'm no Martha Stewart, and maybe that's not a bad thing since she did serve time in prison for insider trading, but over the last 7 years of domestic bliss I have learned a thing or two about what NOT to do around the house to make your life harder. 

Yes, especially when someone else is doing the cleaning.  Then it's a sign of a really good life.  But alas like Tom Cruise, I do my own stunts...er I mean cleaning. 

Tip #1: Do you know what a real tragedy is?  When you buy a brand spanking new shirt in your favorite color, which if you're like me just happens to be any shade of scarlet, and then wash it with light colors.  Shades come out looking just a bit pinker.  Also never wear the new red shirt without washing it first, with LIKE colors of course, because you will sweat and sooner or later you're going to peel that new red shirt off and notice your white undergarments have turned an innocent color of baby pink. 

Tip #2: And I blame this entirely on my mom.  Utilize cleaning tools.  I mentioned a few posts ago that I didn't know how to clean a toilet until I was twenty...and it's true.

Apparently these things are used to clean the toilet bowl...so you don't have to used a sponge and your BARE HANDS.  I understand if we should happen to meet and you don't want to shake my hand from this point on.  I have washed my hands numerous times since I learned what these odd looking brushes were used for though.  Hey, that's what happens when you have someone else clean and cook and do laundry for you your entire life.  It is quite sad though, isn't it?  That I couldn't figure this one out for myself.  I'm depressed...where's the prozac?

Aren't we lucky we live in modern times when ketchup is not such an absolute chore?  I'm so glad we have plastic squeeze bottles now and we don't have to looked surprised that our itty bitty hands can dispense ketchup as good as any muscular manly man.

Tip #3: If you are my mother or father you might want to skip number 3 all together.  I'll explain.  Bacon.  Who doesn't love bacon?  It's meaty and salty and can clog your arteries faster than it takes to clog my hair drain without a hair stopper...which is quite fast.  In the early days of our marriage when I was trying especially hard to be the domestic diva I tried multi-tasking.  But here's the thing about multi-tasking, it doesn't always work well with the two combined activities.  I'll cut to the chase, shall I?  Read my lips...lingerie and frying bacon DO NOT MIX.  I don't care how cute you think you look there by the hot stove in your lace skivvies with the sound of bacon sizzling away.  You know how that hot bacon grease feels on your forearms when it jumps up and bites you?  Any amount of exposed flesh beyond that cannot feel any better, take it from me.  Snap, crackle and pop and you will be running for your grandma's mu-mu.  It's a cautionary tale for sure.  Don't be like me.  If you must wear some form of sleepwear while frying bacon, let it be thermal underwear.  Sure it's not half as attractive but it will save you from some unnecessary burns.

I got a little carried away looking at vintage ads.  Wow, this coffee one is brutal.  I don't even know what "store-testing" your coffee means.  I'll tell you one thing, though, I really don't think buying the wrong brand of coffee is enough to invoke spousal abuse.  And another thing, if your husband is that upset about coffee it's time to find a different husband.  I've never heard of Chase and Sanborn Coffee.  Probably went out when the feminist movement went in, because no self respecting, bra burning, man hating woman would ever adhere to the strict warning of this advertisement.  Life in the 1950's...yikes.

Tip #4: Can anybody tell me what this powdery substance is?  Powdery being the main adjective.  When you run on to one of those fancy pantsy recipes that calls for Confectioners Sugar, you can bet it doesn't mean your regular run of the mill pure cane sugar.  I got a recipe from a friend of mine for Woopie Pies.  Tasty for sure.  She brought them to work and I was in heaven.  I went home and decided to try making them for a family gathering at my parents house.  Confectioners suger? I puzzled.  It means regular sugar right?  A confection is like a sweet treat so it must mean sugar.  So I poured in my C&H, whipped up a batch of woopie pies and took them out to the old homestead.  As I watched the faces of my brothers and sisters as they bit into these little lovelies I knew something was off.  So I bit into one.  There was a distinctive crunch that I knew should not be there.  OK, so after all that, tip #4 is that confectioners sugar refers to POWDERED SUGAR.  Just so you know.  I took the fall for you.  It's been years since I've been assigned to bring a dessert to Sunday dinner.  Sniff. 

Tip #5: This little golden nugget of advice I received at my bridal shower by a second cousin-in-law and it has been priceless.  She said, "If you slack off a day on the cleaning, about a half hour before your husband gets home pick up everything up off the floor and quickly stash it.  Then change the towels in the bathroom.  The clean towels gets them every time.  They'll think you've been home slaving away."  I took her advice the same way I take any advice, with a healthy dose of skepticism.  But I can tell you what she says is true.  How many days have I just not felt like cleaning the place up?  Grab an empty laundry basket throw the chaos that is scattered about your floor and toss it into the basket.  Hide basket in a closet or behind a door.  Sneaky, but necessary.  Change those towels.  She was right.  It does do wonders.  After all, when you are numero uno in the domestic domicile there is always another day to clean.  Am I right, ladies?