Bittersweet

Bree pre-bang cutting disaster

This morning after dropping Ava off at school this morning, Brielle and I were walking back to the house.  She patted my arm and said, "Mommy a good girl."  It was the first sentence she's ever put together and not just a string of words to get the point across.  I smiled at her and said, "You think I'm a good girl?"  She smiled back and said, "Jes (yes)."  It made my day.  Especially since it had been a rough morning getting Ava dressed and out the door on time. 

Life is bittersweet.  The last few years have been interesting.  We moved in with my in-laws for eighteen months, we moved to Salt Lake City into another basement, I hated it, I hated my marriage, I left my husband, I moved in with my parents, I made a love-child with my estranged husband, I went to a therapist, I got back together with my husband, I gave birth to my love child, I went on Zoloft, I felt sane - VICTORY!, I grew to appreciate the people and the things that I had in my life, I decided I don't mind living in the city...but I'd still rather be in the country. 

The situation I went through has only enriched who I am as a person.  Not that it was enjoyable at the time, it was hell, but now I have more empathy for people and for what they might be going through either out in the open or the trials they suffer in silence. 

Three years ago my father-in-law was on a waiting list for a liver.  It was truly a blessing to be living under the same roof as Brigham's parents at that time.  It brought us closer together.  It strengthened my faith as I saw their faith, as well as their setbacks.  I let go of any slights, real or imagined, that I had held on to.  Then the stars aligned and my father-in-law, David, was able to have a liver transplant that saved his life. 

A couple of months ago after going through radiation for a tumor in his neck, David received the earth-shattering news that he had late stage lung cancer.  We got the news via text from Brigham's mom in the early hours of the morning.  As Brig and I held each other in our darkened room I couldn't help but wonder, why?  Why after saving David's life a mere three years ago had Heavenly Father decided to deal this hand to him?  If you don't believe in a higher power it might be simpler to just look at it as an extremely unfortunate turn of events that demands no theoretical answers.  I put the question out of my mind as I simply focused on the realness of my husband in my arms.  All the little things (and big things) I worry about not having in my life...a home of my own, a new pair of jeans, a nicer car, a cute pair of shoes, maid service (Holla!)...none of those things enrich my life as much as this man, or the two little girls sleeping down the hall. 

David had a PET scan after a round of radiation and chemo-therapy and the results, though good (the tumors have not grown), the doctors were quick to remind him that he will not recover from this.  We gathered at their home on Sunday and had a soup off.  As I looked around the room at my family I was so grateful for them.  When Brig and I were first married all I could do was compare my nuclear family to the new one I married into.  Needless to say I turned my nose up quite a bit at them.  They're so weird.  Why do they do it that way?  My family does it this way.  Do we have to go over there this Sunday?  Now I accept and love them for who they are, and even concede that they do quite a few things better than my family.  So either I've gotten just as weird as them, or they were never weird to begin with. 

Every day I think about David.  I think about what it would be like to know that you were going to die.  I mean we all know that, but most of us try to ignore it or forget about it, or write it off as years into the future.  How would it change my behavior?  I watch David.  He is humble.  He is hopeful.  He has faith that he can be healed.  He is working on having the faith to accept that he cannot be healed.  He holds his grand kids on his lap.  He tells us he loves us.  He hugs his wife and holds her hand.  I don't know why Heavenly Father has decided that David's life will come to an end sooner than we ever expected.  And as the months have passed I've stopped worrying about that question.  All I know is that we have him with us for a while longer and that I love him.  And that is enough.

Ava and my little nose picker

Ava's still obsessed with hanging from the pull up bar.  Today she told me she wished we could get another one in the doorway directly adjacent so she could go back and forth between them.  She's much more daring than I ever was.  I was always worried I'd end up seriously injured.  Even as a child I was anxious and neurotic.  I blame my parents.  Love you guys! :)

And then there is this one.  She's discovered her nose holes.  Every chance she gets she goes excavating.  She wasn't even picking her nose when I put the camera up to take a picture of her.  Sneaky little darling.  It's hard when they are this age to explain social niceties.  And really I have no idea where these blue eyes come from.  People comment on them all the time.  My sister Darcie has beautiful blue eyes, so there has to be someone they come down the line from. 

 Another one.

 And another one.

A random picture I found.  Look how little she is!  And she's already giving me that glare I now know so well. 

 

I've always had a thing for Captain America.  Brig bought this for a fellow nerd and I couldn't resist trying it on.  

Just in time for the smorgasborg of candy that will be flowing like fine wine in a week, I've decided to give The Primal Blueprint diet a serious try.  My friend Jessica lent me her copy of the book.  She had no need for it, but it's more about eating for optimal health than losing weight.  I mean losing weight is just a bi-product, or is it a by-product?  I don't know.  I get dumber by the day.  Having babies really sucks the smarts right out of you.  It's basically the paleo diet.  So this week it's been an interesting foray into the strange world of vegetables.  I've never cared for vegetables.  They taste super bitter to me.  Last night I made a stir-fry.  They're not so bad when they are disguised with an Asian taste. 

I can honestly say I like the kale I bought in a huge bag from Costco.  I'm not exaggerating.  That bag could feed a family of bunnies for a week.  It has kind of a piney taste.  I like it.  Did I mention I like it?  Well I do.  

It hasn't been as bad as I thought, and I already feel a bit more alert and energetic.  I know you are probably tired of hearing about my attempts at whittling my waistline, but I can't give up.  I have to keep trying, because the alternative is getting bigger and bigger and sacrificing quality of life for a temporary craving.  I was thinking about it last night and I thought, you know, I've ate whatever the heck I've felt like for the past ten years.  It's time to eat what my body really needs.  Not what my bottomless emotional holes scream to be filled with.  

So bear with me for another go, won't you?  Or is it bare with me?  That sounds a bit scandalous, doesn't it?  

In other news I scared the happiness right out of my eldest child two nights ago by subjecting her to Disney's The Legend of Sleepy Hollow.  I don't recall ever being frightened by that story, but then again maybe I was older than Ava when I first saw it.  She burst into tears as soon as it was over.  I took back Return to Oz, the next day.  Because if Ava can't handle an animated headless horseman then she definitely can't handle electric shock therapy, the wheelers, Princess Momba and her rotating cast of heads, or the Gnome King and his severe egg allergy.  I just thought we could have a slightly spooky Halloween, but I guess it was too soon. 

Going Ons

A few Sundays back our ward had our primary program.  We bought Ava a new dress since we've begun to notice her legs have grown like weeds making all of her dresses too scandalous for church.  She insisted on a pair of black heels even though they were a bit big. 

This year the kids got to write their own parts, I'm sure with a little guidance from their teachers.  Ava said, "I want to make good choices so I can be a good example to my little sister."  She did a great job.

Ava also decided to get her hair cut.  She's happy I can no longer experiment on her long tresses with looks I get off of cutegirlhairstyles on youtube.  After she got it cut she kept looking in the mirror and saying, "I look like a teenager, huh mom?" 

Brig and I stayed in The Little America this past Friday night.  My parents came down and stayed with the girls.  Both Ava and Bree were excited they were going to get to spend some exclusive time with them without me...as Ava put it.  Apparently I talk to my mom too much when we get together and Ava can't get a word in edge wise. 

Although the hotel is only ten minutes from our house it was awesome to spend some time together without any demands made on us by the kids.  I've always thought it was important in theory to nurture your husband just as much as you do your kids, but it's not so easy in practice.  My general attitude has been hey you're a big boy, don't make me baby you, I've already got two babies.  But what a difference it makes to spend that time away from everything if only for twenty-four hours.  It really makes you remember who you were before you had kids.  I was fun once.  No, it's true.  I was. 

It was also Brig's 32nd birthday.  We went out with the Patches to Ichiban Sushi after checking into our hotel.  The conversation was good, and we laughed and ordered sushi rolls for a solid three hours.  Then we went back to the hotel and ordered room service at 11:30 while watching a movie in bed.  It was great.  The next day we looked at the shops in the hotel and across the street at The Grand America.  Also we paid twenty bucks a pop for a breakfast buffet.  Oh.  My.  Goodness.  So much food.  I was completely stuffed after just one plate.  Brig went back for three more.  Someone had to get their money worth.  It was delicious and I felt guilty after having watched an ad the night before about starving kids in America. 

It was a nice break from reality.  When I got back home I felt like Cinderella just after midnight.  The girls had a great time and Grandpa even waited in line with Ava for an hour at Scheel's to ride the ferris wheel inside the store.  Kudos to Grandpa, he's a better man than me. 

In other news after four months of taking Brielle to nursery and staying there with her I finally bit the bullet and kissed her goodbye after I walked her in and left.  Just like that.  She was sad for a minute and then she went and played with the toys.  Her teachers said she didn't cry after that and would come and climb up on their laps and acted as friendly as could be.  Wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles!  Could it be possible she's been taking me for a ride all these months?  Hmmm?  Not my girl, and I'm certainly not gullible enough to be manipulated by my own flesh and blood, right?  ;)

Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy...

To Brig on our ten year anniversary...we both said "I do" and we haven't agreed on a single thing since.  I love you!