A Message for You

As I rounded the corner to Ava's school yesterday, five minutes late as usual, I thought to myself wow we are really late, there are zero cars here.  Then it dawns on me.  There was no school on Monday.  We all could have slept in.  I groan.  What am I going to do with Ava on a rainy day? 

I decided to take her to McDonald's playland.  I have a good book I'm reading and a sleeping baby, what could be better than letting Ava run rampant through the colorful gerbil tubes?  I take I-80 and exit onto the belt route.  It's raining pretty hard and looks to be turning to snow.  For a girl who grew up in Cache Valley's Siberia I feel pretty inept at driving in snow.  Especially at high speeds. 

I take the 3300 exit and pull into the McDonald's parking lot.  Sure there is a McDonald's closer to our home, but I distinctly remember last time we were at the REI across the street Ava begging us to let her play at this "new" McDonald's.  I notice a disheveled man walking through the parking lot.  He opens the door for us.  I take a good look at him as I do with any man, disheveled or not, in case I need to identify him later for police.  Have I ever told you I distrust men?  It hasn't been helped by my morbid affinity for true crime shows. 

He has blondish red hair and leathery skin as if he's spent a good amount of time exposed to the elements.  He has on warm up pants and worn sneakers.  On his torso he sports a light shell of a winter coat zipped up to the top of his ribcage.  Underneath copious amounts of blond chest hair spill out.  He is not wearing a shirt.  He also has a long goatee which reminds me of an ex-boyfriend.  The one I professed my love for when I was sixteen to which he answered, "I know."  Listen, you're not Han Solo and you could do with a good dose of deoderant.  For the record I was not in love with him.  I enjoyed kissing him.  I know, I know, after that deoderant remark you're wondering how that was possible.  I can only theorize that my sense of smell was blinded by my rampant hormones.  On the right day Pig Pen could have gotten lucky. 

I'm pretty sure this guy was a transient.  I placed my order and waited while Ava flitted off to the playland.  I think the woman taking the orders was new.  She took our names down which I have never had happen at any McDonald's.  It was busy, although it was well past the lunchtime rush.  She seemed flustered.  I hate to be rude but I couldn't help notice that her arms resembled Robin Williams.  If you don't know what I'm talking about just google the term.  In all fairness I'm sure she noticed the ginormous third eye blooming on the bridge of my nose.  I'm nearly 30.  Really?  Really?  What have I done to anger the pimple gods? 

The goateed man waited for his order with his hands grasping the counter.  Step back and give the poor lady some room, I thought to myself, can't you see she has enough problems?  It's going to take some serious shaving cream to create a manicured lawn from an overgrown jungle.  I'm sorry.  That was a bit below the belt, wasn't it? 

Some machine was going off behind the counter, a steady annoying beeping that seemed to be adding to the lady's distress.  That's when the man leaned forward well into the lady's personal space.  I thought, okay here we go, he seems to be about what? Five eight, five nine, maybe 140 pounds?  You can rely on me police sketcher. 

"Hey lady!" The man says loudly.

"Yes?" She smiles at him a little fearfully.

"Your machine has a message for you," He says.  The lady gives him an expectant look.

"BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!" The man exclaims.  That voice.  It sounded like Lloyd Christmas off of Dumb and Dumber.  I'll sign off with this little gem, for your listening pleasure:     (Link)     View more               Lloyd Christmas Sound Clips         and        Dumb & Dumber Sound Clips