The Sermon on the Mount

This isn't a typical post format for me. I don't feel real comfortable talking about my religion and my "feelings" about it. It's not because I am not proud of it. Just like in real life I hold back because I feel like I have so little to share when it comes to this topic. I've never served a mission. I haven't had any huge spiritual experiences. I'm not one of those brave persons that shares The Gospel when given a chance. My palms get sweaty when I am asked to say a prayer in Relief Society. I mean, that's such a small thing, but for me it feels daunting. Like most things in my life I always feel inadequate. I once had a good friend tell me that feeling inadequate is not a feeling sent from Heavenly Father but rather from Satan. He wants you to feel inadequate. Today though I feel like I should share this, if only to write it down and sort through it as I'm writing it.

I was reading in Matthew today about The Sermon on the Mount. It's been a long while since I've read it. I know it's some pretty well known chapters but it seemed so fresh to me today and held a lot of meaning for me. Before you think I'm a scripture scholar, I need to admit that I don't crack open the scriptures as much as I should. I get caught up in my life and I get caught up thinking I can do things by myself and that I don't need help. Oh man, I must look like my three year old daughter to Heavenly Father, down here on earth throwing a tantrum screaming that I can do things all by myself and Him just waiting and wanting to help me.

When I look back at the past nearly 7 years I've been married and "on my own" it's been up and down but the one word I would use to sum it up is "disenchantment". Disenchantment with marriage, disenchantment with my religion, disenchantment with life in general. It didn't happen over night. I started working at Lowe's and working Sundays was pretty much mandatory. I could have gotten a different job but I got comfortable there. At first I really mourned going to church each Sunday, but it got easier and easier until when I did have the occasional Sunday off I wouldn't bother to get ready and go. We went through a period of about four years of inactivity. When we went all I could think about was how all these self righteous people were judging me and how I didn't belong there anymore. Obviously these feelings of anger masked what I was truly feeling...shame. Disappointment in myself for not going to church anymore. But it's so much easier to blame others than to blame yourself.

I lost my faith. I lost my faith in my most foundational belief system. Everything was tainted by it. Marriage was no longer the happy dream I had believed it would be from the time I was a girl. I loved my husband, but I resented him as well. I was angry at him and I was angry at myself for not living up to our full potential. When Ava came along it got that much harder. I loved her, Brig loved her, but as most people know who have had a child/children, that first year raising them takes a toll on your marriage, and ours was already on shaky ground because the foundation we had built it on was crumbling from years of malnourishment.

We've worked our way back to attending our church meetings. At times it's been like clawing away at a big sandy embankment. Doubts and trials and an uncooperative toddler at times made it hard just to think about getting to the church house. I don't know how you forgive yourself for being less than you knew you could be. I'm working on it, but I still feel regret for those years we could have been building up our marriage and our family. The point is Satan wants you to feel like you're a lost cause. He doesn't want you to feel worthy. I can see that so clearly now, but if you would have told me that while I wasn't attending church regularly I wouldn't have gotten it.

I still struggle with faith. Faith that Heavenly Father will take care of our needs. I worry and worry what direction our lives will take. I'm the sort of person who, if I could map it out I would. Get out the itinerary I want to know where I'm going and when in life. Will I ever have a son? When will I own a home? Am I ever going to lose this weight? I mean, where's Sylvia Browne? Can you tell me these things, Sylvia? No, you can't because you're a kook. But I digress. My long suffering husband will tell you that my stress level over the past couple of years has been at threat level midnight. I wring my hands and bemoan what will become of us?! Me and Laman and Lemuel would have been thick as thieves if I had lived back in the day. I've murmured from morning until night some days. My family has heard about it. My friends have heard about it. If I was the openly social type, I'm sure the cashier at Wal-Mart would have heard about it.

So this is where I'm coming from. And I'm reading The Sermon on the Mount today in Matthew 6 when verses 25-34 hit me over the head like a sledge hammer. I'm going to copy and paste here. Bear with me. Or is it bare with me? Those of you who have a low tolerance for long posts have given up by now anyway.

25 Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?
26 Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?
27 Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?
28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:
29 And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?
31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

All those of little faith raise your hands! ME! Here I am! I have little faith! And I'm working on it. And that's the beautiful thing about The Gospel, you work on your weaknesses each day. When I was younger I expected to always have perfect faith, to never make mistakes, to always have the perfect answer to those Sunday school questions. I never ever expected to become inactive and bitter. And at my core I always KNEW that my Heavenly Father loved me. I always KNEW that my Savior had atoned for me and that I could come back and repent at any time. But my pride got in the way and I thought I could do it all by myself. Because admitting that you need help means admitting that you are weak. Even as we've "come back to the fold" as they say I've still tried to claw my way through life without any help. But reading The Sermon on the Mount put things in perspective for me. I need to relax. I need to have faith that our needs will be met.

My mother-in-law put up a plaque in the kitchen back in February when my father-in-law's liver was failing. It reads "Faith is not believing that God can, it is knowing that he will". I think that sums it up. I'm so grateful for my family for loving me through difficult times and for my friends who have always been wonderful examples to me. My mother and my close friends have had to listen and comfort through cry fests. I'm grateful for your sound advice and your overwhelming empathy. I sometimes never feel that I'll be adequate to become the Relief Society Ruth type, but even those who seem like spiritual giants have asked Heavenly Father for help. To be human is to be weak. That's never going to go away, but you know what they say about weak things being made strong and I know with God's help my faith can become strong. Then maybe I won't feel quite as uncomfortable around the Nephi crowd!