I Cheated on my Diet

I am scared to get on the scale tomorrow morning.  I blame it all on Kneaders having a drive through.  It should be illegal for bakeries to have drive-throughs.  Don't they know there are people trying to reunite their upper bum to their lower bum...people with very little self-control and a biblical knowledge of what it's like to savor the berry cheesecake on their tongues....people who are shamed by their incredibly comfortable but equally ugly electric blue Crocs who dare not show their unpopular choice in footwear in public.  See?  The drive-through is just too easy.  Damn you berry cheesecake! 

Then there is my old flame that just won't burn out...Coca-Cola aka the nectar of the gods.  Everyone tells me to just drink diet.  Listen carefully o foolish ones - I'd rather drink Milk of Magnesia.  I know there are a lot of Diet Coke fans out there, but why? 

Meanwhile Jessica Alba's in my face with her better-than-ever post baby body.  "You would never know that she gave birth just six months ago..." The butt kiss of an interviewer exclaims.  Mariah Carey is screeching on t.v. in a tacky gold midriff-baring dress? half tube top/half long loin clothe? proclaiming that Jenny Craig worked for her.  Like the tacky getup I believe that Ms. Carey belongs back in the nineties as well.  Just because you married a much younger man doesn't mean that you are still relevant to the current generation.  Is this the aging diva's game plan?  The ultimate hip accessory is a husband born in the nineties.  Watch your back, Justin Bieber...Madonna's got her botoxed eyes on you.  Janet Jackson is instructing me to get on it.  Whatever that means.  I'd like to meet the ad wizards who came up with that slogan.  Get on it.  Pfsha.


Got off on a mean rant about skinny celebrities, didn't I?  Sorry about that.  Like I said I'm scared for the morning.  Pray for me.