Gay Men, Sex Offenders and Ex-boyfriends, Oh My!

Every once and a while you run into an old flame. You could have any number of reactions depending on the relationship, how things ended, and how much make-up you have on. I have a close friend who is an expert in grocery shopping hide and seek. If she sees anyone she knows who she doesn't want to talk to she ducks into another aisle and tries to blend into the scenery. She shall remain nameless but I salute you, I really do. How you convincingly look like just another wall of cereal boxes is mind boggling and genius. Over the years you have honed your skills and I bow to your superior powers!

In my head when I make a mental list of all the boys I had a "relationship" with (ie. going with each other) as well as the semi-official ones, I cringe. Why did I sell myself so short? Why did I even want to "go with" a boy when I was still the appropriate age to be playing Girl Talk with my friends at sleep overs?

The list of boys is rather sad and humorous at the same time. I can recall two boys I went with that friends had to talk me into going with. Too Tightly Tied Sneaker Guy and Shorter Than Me By A Head Guy. Why? I have no idea. What did they see in them that I didn't? Maybe they got a kick out of me hiding in the bathroom after school because I knew that Shorter Than Me By A Head Guy was looking for a kiss and I was embarrassed by the height difference. Some guys you go out with for convenience. Your friend starts hanging out with their friend and you're always together listening to their crappy band music and so you figure, why not? Then you are just naive and vulnerable enough to say to this absolute jerk of a guy who couldn't care less about you that you love him. That's right. The three dreaded words. And his response, "I know." Arrogant, conceited, loser, bast...I mean Unreturned I Love You Guy. Really though I have to blame myself. I was so stupid. I don't know why I needed a guy's approval when I had such great friends and such a wonderful family.

If I had a televison channel about my life and there was a show entitled, "Where are they now?" it would be a very depressing show indeed. The first boy I ever kissed AKA Elevator Room Kiss Guy...I found him on the sex offender registry a few weeks ago. The first boy to ever take me out on a date AKA Told Me I Looked Pregnant In Our Dance Picture Guy...gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. I ran into Unreturned I love You Guy last year in a pizza place. He still had his scruffy goatee and for the life of me I couldn't understand why I wallowed in a depression for months after he stopped calling. I dated a guy shortly before I started dating my husband at USU who directly after we stopped hanging out left for a study abroad program. He came back, yes, gay. Thus his christening as Awkward Physical Contact Guy. He also could be known as Undetermined Relationship Guy as we spent quite a bit of time together and I never knew if it was a romantic or platonic thing. Apparently he was wondering as well.

It wasn't all bad. I 'd like to believe I learned a thing or two from dating all those toads. About myself mostly. And when it really counted I finally loved the right guy for a while, and then the right guy for forever. The first guy that I really truly loved was and still is a good guy. I run into him every now and then and he is happy and successful with a cute little family. Then there's my husband who, for all his faults, still loves me in spite of mine. He makes me laugh and is always making me guess what is going on inside that brain of his. He's a mystery that I'm willing to take a long, long time to figure out. So I'd like to think that when it really counted my heart pulled through for me.